Mr Midge,

My mother did speak of your fumbling attempts at sexual congress with much humour. Her idea at the time, I believe, was an experiment to be performed in much the same spirit as the life-swapping experiment performed on Eddie Murphy's character in the movie "Trading Places". She believed that taking the most tragically inept sexual partner imaginable and putting him in the correct situation would, in essence, make a man out of him.

Sadly, in this instance at least, fact did not equal fiction.

Shut up, no, cram it, my avatar drips molten awesomeness. Or I guess it could be fake popcorn butter. Is there a difference really, metaphorically OR literally?

After your disappearance, an oddly believable rumor surfaced that you had, in fact, died. I guess someone who knew your real name tried to track you down just to say "hi," and found that someone with your same name in your part of Australia had died or something, so...we all just kind of figured it was you.

It was all very sad. I buried you in effigy. I took in your destitute mother as a border when she couldn't make ends meet, but I crossed that border and made her end meet my meat when she started giving me lip. FYI, I'm your father now, and you will respect me.

To sum up: Yay dejay! Now get the **** out.

:D

HOLY CRAP, IT'S dEJAY!