Behind The Pipebomb: Why DNF failed

[kp1197]

In late 1995, Duke Nukem began having homosexual thoughts in the shower.

By early 1996, Duke Nukem realized he had been staring at George Broussard at all the board meetings since 1994. He didn't understand why until then.

In 1997, Duke Nukem visited a gay bar in Austin, Texas. He met a guy named Bombshell, and they played with Pipebombs.

George Broussard, having suspected Duke secretely since 1996, had a closed-doors meeting with upper-management. George expressed his fear that Duke would become disinterested in the project and move to Ohio with Bombshell. Joe Siegel suggested they incorporate Bombshell as a character in the series to keep them local and involved. The idea was approved.

From 1997-1999 Duke and Bombshell were involved in some heavy-duty motion-capture, although most of it was unusable due to its homoerotic nature. Erstwhile, Bombshell's male model was being replaced with a female model behind the scenes: Duke being gay was considered too shocking for most fans. Duke agreed to this change, but kept it from Bombshell.

Bombshell left Duke in early 2000, leaving Duke in a deep depression. Most of Duke's working hours were spent simpering in the break room, staring expressionlessly into a soft pretzel. The same soft pretzel. Every day. Duke said it reminded him of Bombshell's pipebomb.

By 2001, George Broussard was growing desperate. Duke's nails were painted sky-blue, which effectively prevented blue screen capture. What was once a machismo, testosterone fueled frag-fest of a development studio was now running off of sugar and spice. It seemed like the end. Until they took Duke on a fishing trip.

Duke was invigorated by the salty sea spray and the rollicking sea. Recalling lines from Moby Dick, which he read while still in the womb, Duke rediscovered his male ego. This lasted for two hours.

In 2003, Duke announced he was undergoing a sex change. Another emergency board-meeting was called, but Duke couldn't be talked out of it.

In 2004, Duke left 3dRealms. For the next three years, 3dRealms lived on. But just to keep on living.

Meanwhile, Duke began a successful career at Take Two Publishing. While at first he felt a little obligation to fund his friends at 3dRealms, he began to feel indignation for presenting his personality as an essentially flattened aspect of himself that died sometime in 1995. He decided he would try a hostile takeover and rebrand his image.

This ultimately led to Take Two's bid for control in 2009, and the eventual close of 3DRealms.

There, now you know the truth.

[Moocowjr]

Haha nice story
I had no idea duke was like that...

[lordlonelobo]

"Your shoes, your hair... What's the difference?"

Hah. Nice writing.

[Kennerado]

Nice job, haha.