Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms

Off A Cough · 06-11-2009, 02:23 PM

June 11th, 2009
Washington DC

Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms

All out of bubblegum, but flush with tax payer cash and ready to kick ass.

In a small White House ceremony this morning, President Barak Obama signed into law Software Development Infinite Life Cycle Funding Relief Program (SDILCFRP), providing $20 billion of tax payer dollars for struggling developer 3D Realms.

"It is important that we look toward long-term employment considerations in the United States, and this law will employ dozens for at least two decades of further development on Duke Nukem Forever," the President said in brief remarks. "In a world where the process is clearly more important than the goal, we must make sure that people are rewarded just for being, and not punished for failing to produce."

Under terms of the new law, 3D Realms will be required to make changes to game content to be consistent with administration policies and initiatives.

3D Realm's flagship game, Duke Nukem Forever, will be renamed to Duke Nuke for Change, and its star character will undergo a make-over to "better represent America to the world," according to UN Ambassador Susan Rice.

"It is no wonder that this game failed. Duke Nukem is the arch-typical right-wing extremist, carrying guns everywhere and waving the American flag. He bears no social obligation and leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes," Rice said.

Nukem will now carry the UN banner throughout the game, reading Miranda rights to the game's enemies and carrying injured aliens to free healthcare facilities throughout the urban areas that represent the game's setting.

Part of Duke Nukem's change will be disarming the charismatic character, with his guns being replaced with a ballpoint pen from ACORN and a voter registration clipboard. Nukem's new goal will be to enlighten extraterrestrial enemies to register to vote and participate in the political process, a possible indication of Obama's support of alien voter rights in the US.

In addition, the infamous swine-shaped law enforcement agents will be removed from the game entirely, so as to not offend Muslims who Obama hopes will become consumers of the software title, once completed. Instead, all enemies will be modeled to appear as Rush Limbaugh.

"If Duke is successful in registering them to vote, he will gain points and the enemy will transform into an attractive, young, cool hipster wearing hemp clothing and carrying the latest iPhone," according to DNF's new project manager, Rahm Emmanuel. "However, if Nukem fails to register the enemy, their kidneys will immediately fail and they will die."

Republicans immediately released a statement blasting the program as a waste of tax payer dollars, and promised to slow the funding by placing George Broussard in charge of all SDILCFRP operations.

Dopefish7590 · 06-11-2009, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Off A Cough

It is important that we look toward long-term employment considerations in the United States, and this law will employ dozens for at least two decades of further development on Duke Nukem Forever

Ahahaha!

Awesome.

Joe Siegler · 06-11-2009, 02:29 PM

I guess the logo won't have the US flag behind it anymore then, eh?

This post made me laugh out loud.

Lt.Havoc · 06-11-2009, 02:40 PM

Heh, I wish it would be that easy to get bailout cash.....

06-11-2009, 02:42 PM

Nice post.

ZaphodB · 06-11-2009, 02:44 PM

Impressive. Most Impressive.

Off A Cough · 06-11-2009, 02:57 PM

I visit 3DR's site once or twice a year to see if Hell has frozen over with DNF. I'm disturbed but not surprised to hear of the problems. I wondered who would finance the DNF team for a dozen years with no product to sell to begin with.

It is my hope that the good people who have worked on this effort land on their feet, hopefully to continue this project somewhere/somehow. That this product has failed to make it to market should be a textbook case of bad management to be tought in econ classes for decades to come. DNF is a goldmine waiting to happen, even in this economy.

Whatever obsessive-compulsive twitch has held this product from release over these years needs to be removed and under some sort of new management and/or company the creative minds need to be set to task. Let that mutha fly, boys. Every console/PC out there has an Interweb connection, fix it post-release.

Godspeed to you all.

Tualmasok · 06-11-2009, 05:27 PM

Why doesn't GB do the Truffle Shuffle naked and charge $1 per view? I'd pay to laugh at that!

Hirvi · 06-11-2009, 08:27 PM

Wow.. so good post OP

Cyrix · 06-11-2009, 11:40 PM

Thread deserves to be in 3DR Greatest Hits. It's just pure awesome. Thanks for the laughs!

Kennerado · 06-12-2009, 12:03 AM

hahaha good stuff

Vinsane · 06-12-2009, 12:11 AM

Very funny indeed!

Micki! · 06-12-2009, 06:21 AM

I laughed, haha

kp1197 · 06-12-2009, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joe Siegler

I guess the logo won't have the US flag behind it anymore then, eh?

This post made me laugh out loud.

I started laughing. Then I started screaming. Then I started dying, dying, dying. Then I started living. Then I ate a blow dryer.

Drazula · 06-12-2009, 08:09 PM

Well done!!

Onebullit · 06-12-2009, 08:36 PM

Verry good joke.

HertogJan · 06-13-2009, 03:01 AM

I LOLed

Razorback · 06-13-2009, 06:26 AM

Yeah, Duke would look funny with a towel rapped around his head!

Waiter · 06-13-2009, 11:21 AM

LOL!

I laughed, and I needed that.

ryche · 06-13-2009, 09:33 PM

LOL that is funny. Good work.

Jarongame · 06-15-2009, 12:59 PM

Good joke..Good joke...I just hope that won't be true one day

WoodenSword · 06-15-2009, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jarongame

Good joke..Good joke...I just hope that won't be true one day

I hope it is!!!

DarkShadows · 06-15-2009, 01:16 PM

Nice one, Off A Cough.

Babe · 06-16-2009, 09:29 PM

I funny to read this thread from Australia here. Whats more funny for me is to see even in jokes some Americans cant get over the fact that ACORN had little or perhaps no impact on the huge margin by which Obama won on that old dying man and still drags that name here and there.
Anyway it would have been nice if Obama actually did something, but I guess George's track record of success and arrogance will most probably ensure he will stay out of it. Bet on Duke yes, bet on George ?! Nah .

Derfernet · 06-17-2009, 10:31 AM

Quote:

I've never read your bible the National Enquirer

That's...I dont even...

WOW. I mean, really.

The National Enquirer is a magazine (tabloid) devoted to crazy claims and to outrageous insinuations about celebrities and politicians. I was saying that anyone who believes in the birth certificate rumors is a few screws short of a tool box.

edit: I see my conversation with RB has been deleted and couldn't agree more: this isnt the place. I apologize for dragging it out.

Razorback · 06-17-2009, 05:55 PM

Oh I see Babe's and Derfernets pro Obama comments are OK, but not my anti Obama comments. Just like the mainstream news. Duke would be ashamed of JS!

John · 06-17-2009, 06:08 PM

Well isn't it obvious, Razorback? The news media, the entertainment business, the education system, most of history itself, and now the entire internet has a liberal bias. As we speak Obama's secret staff of hackers are working away to make sure of it.

Very funny post, Off A Cough.

Don't know if it was an original by you or just a generator where you insert the names and companies.

Derfernet · 06-17-2009, 06:18 PM

edit: just forget this, I don't want to derail the thread again.

Wamplet · 06-17-2009, 08:55 PM

It's a game where both sides win.

Razorback · 06-17-2009, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derfernet

edit: just forget this, I don't want to derail the thread again.

Well Defernet, the topic has Obama in it, so I don't see how either of us derailed the thread. Also I don't think the other posters have anything better to do, they are here after all!

hammer oz · 06-21-2009, 08:01 PM

..................

AdrianGuenter · 06-24-2009, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Razorback

Well Defernet, the topic has Obama in it, so I don't see how either of us derailed the thread. Also I don't think the other posters have anything better to do, they are here after all!

I missed what all was said and moderated but if I had to guess maybe something partially to do with your ignorant and racially charged joke. (Obama - b + s = Osama.......yawn.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Razorback

Oh I see Babe's and Derfernets pro Obama comments are OK, but not my anti Obama comments.

I'm guessing general bigotry (whatever your views may be) is less of an issue than throwing around comments that have the potential to or are going to start a flame war.

At least the OP was funny and somewhat original, but in certain cases there's a very fine line between being funny and slinging some bs that has the potential to offend someone. Part of growing up is learning the difference, and being able to communicate on a public forum where people with diverse backgrounds and views congregate while being sensitive to that fact.

ManhattanProject · 06-27-2009, 10:56 AM

Cool Story, Bro.

Razorback · 06-27-2009, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdrianGuenter

I missed what all was said and moderated but if I had to guess maybe something partially to do with your ignorant and racially charged joke. (Obama - b + s = Osama.......yawn.)

I'm guessing general bigotry (whatever your views may be) is less of an issue than throwing around comments that have the potential to or are going to start a flame war.

At least the OP was funny and somewhat original, but in certain cases there's a very fine line between being funny and slinging some bs that has the potential to offend someone. Part of growing up is learning the difference, and being able to communicate on a public forum where people with diverse backgrounds and views congregate while being sensitive to that fact.

Your completely wrong ADRIAN, and who are you to determine the fine line anyway? So STFU! We had stopped the conversation and now you want to chime in with your lack of wit. I wish I could say what I really think!

AdrianGuenter · 06-30-2009, 12:09 AM

Feel free to PM me with what you really think, and I'll be sure not to give a d*mn. I wasn't trying to be witty.

PS - The credentials needed for determining where that line lays are:

* A dash of common sense
* 1 Tbsp of taste
* 1 cup of moderately intelligent humor (to taste)

Mix well, bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees

ultimatemurder · 06-30-2009, 01:37 AM

I know how to save 3DR and DNF first we get some sick kid with a terminal disease who likes duke
Then we go to make a wish foundation make the kid say 'I want 3DR to have the money to rehire its development team and finish Duke Nukem Forever. Hail to the king baby!"

ok lets go get that Terminal Kid break

Monkey Butler · 06-30-2009, 03:16 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS36ZuCW-7c

06-30-2009, 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monkey Butler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS36ZuCW-7c

OK... Now THAT'S in bad taste. That's just ******* wrong. I was pissed off when those idiots were only pulled off the air for a fortnight...

Should have had their show contract put through a shredder, then the remains of the shredded contract be pissed on and burnt.

Off cough... definately worth the laugh - very well done. Did you come up with it or did you find it somewhere else??? If you came up with it - then kudos to you... was cleverly written.

Monkey Butler · 06-30-2009, 07:11 AM

Ah come on, as if you haven't thought the exact same thing every once in a while. I mean, I don't even like the Chaser, but that was pretty well done I reckon.

ZaphodB · 06-30-2009, 07:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monkey Butler

Ah come on, as if you haven't thought the exact same thing every once in a while. I mean, I don't even like the Chaser, but that was pretty well done I reckon.

I haven't, and your implying that someone HAS to have thought that way is very disturbing. Hope you never have children that become terminally ill.

06-11-2009, 02:29 PM	#3
Joe Siegler 3D Realms Staff	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms I guess the logo won't have the US flag behind it anymore then, eh? This post made me laugh out loud. __________________ Apogee / 3D Realms Employee: Dec 14, 1992 - May 22, 2009, Oct 23, 2014 - current "Lifting up the Cross to the waiting lost" - Petra \| John 3:16

06-11-2009, 02:42 PM	#5
hellchicken Guest	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Nice post.

06-11-2009, 02:23 PM	#1
Off A Cough	Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms June 11th, 2009 Washington DC Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms All out of bubblegum, but flush with tax payer cash and ready to kick ass. In a small White House ceremony this morning, President Barak Obama signed into law Software Development Infinite Life Cycle Funding Relief Program (SDILCFRP), providing $20 billion of tax payer dollars for struggling developer 3D Realms. "It is important that we look toward long-term employment considerations in the United States, and this law will employ dozens for at least two decades of further development on Duke Nukem Forever," the President said in brief remarks. "In a world where the process is clearly more important than the goal, we must make sure that people are rewarded just for being, and not punished for failing to produce." Under terms of the new law, 3D Realms will be required to make changes to game content to be consistent with administration policies and initiatives. 3D Realm's flagship game, Duke Nukem Forever, will be renamed to Duke Nuke for Change, and its star character will undergo a make-over to "better represent America to the world," according to UN Ambassador Susan Rice. "It is no wonder that this game failed. Duke Nukem is the arch-typical right-wing extremist, carrying guns everywhere and waving the American flag. He bears no social obligation and leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes," Rice said. Nukem will now carry the UN banner throughout the game, reading Miranda rights to the game's enemies and carrying injured aliens to free healthcare facilities throughout the urban areas that represent the game's setting. Part of Duke Nukem's change will be disarming the charismatic character, with his guns being replaced with a ballpoint pen from ACORN and a voter registration clipboard. Nukem's new goal will be to enlighten extraterrestrial enemies to register to vote and participate in the political process, a possible indication of Obama's support of alien voter rights in the US. In addition, the infamous swine-shaped law enforcement agents will be removed from the game entirely, so as to not offend Muslims who Obama hopes will become consumers of the software title, once completed. Instead, all enemies will be modeled to appear as Rush Limbaugh. "If Duke is successful in registering them to vote, he will gain points and the enemy will transform into an attractive, young, cool hipster wearing hemp clothing and carrying the latest iPhone," according to DNF's new project manager, Rahm Emmanuel. "However, if Nukem fails to register the enemy, their kidneys will immediately fail and they will die." Republicans immediately released a statement blasting the program as a waste of tax payer dollars, and promised to slow the funding by placing George Broussard in charge of all SDILCFRP operations.

06-11-2009, 02:40 PM	#4
Lt.Havoc	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Heh, I wish it would be that easy to get bailout cash..... __________________ "Goverment is not the solution to our problem. Goverment IS the problem." Ronald Reagan "Go ahead, make my Day!" "Dirty" Harry Callahan

06-11-2009, 02:44 PM	#6
ZaphodB	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Impressive. Most Impressive. __________________ "If there's ANYTHING larger than my EGO I want it shot and killed right now" - Zaphod Beeblebrox This Public Service Announcement brought to you by: "The People Who Have NO Idea What's Going On" (TPWHNOIWGON) We thank you for ignoring it.

06-11-2009, 02:57 PM	#7
Off A Cough	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms I visit 3DR's site once or twice a year to see if Hell has frozen over with DNF. I'm disturbed but not surprised to hear of the problems. I wondered who would finance the DNF team for a dozen years with no product to sell to begin with. It is my hope that the good people who have worked on this effort land on their feet, hopefully to continue this project somewhere/somehow. That this product has failed to make it to market should be a textbook case of bad management to be tought in econ classes for decades to come. DNF is a goldmine waiting to happen, even in this economy. Whatever obsessive-compulsive twitch has held this product from release over these years needs to be removed and under some sort of new management and/or company the creative minds need to be set to task. Let that mutha fly, boys. Every console/PC out there has an Interweb connection, fix it post-release. Godspeed to you all.

06-11-2009, 05:27 PM	#8
Tualmasok	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Why doesn't GB do the Truffle Shuffle naked and charge $1 per view? I'd pay to laugh at that!

06-11-2009, 08:27 PM	#9
Hirvi	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Wow.. so good post OP

06-11-2009, 11:40 PM	#10
Cyrix	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Thread deserves to be in 3DR Greatest Hits. It's just pure awesome. Thanks for the laughs!

06-12-2009, 12:03 AM	#11
Kennerado	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms hahaha good stuff __________________ "Mark it ZERO!"

06-12-2009, 12:11 AM	#12
Vinsane	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Very funny indeed! __________________ My Duke Videos: "Duke Nukem in Geico Commercal" "Duke's Day Off" "Duke Nukem Animated Test" With me as the voice of Duke! Duke Nukem's "I Am Forever" Speech

06-12-2009, 06:21 AM	#13
Micki!	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms I laughed, haha __________________ A true genius does not need boundaries such as 'common sense'

06-12-2009, 08:09 PM	#15
Drazula	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Well done!! __________________ "I've been trying to change the world for years, but they just won't give me the source code." - Drazula

06-12-2009, 08:36 PM	#16
Onebullit	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Verry good joke.

06-13-2009, 03:01 AM	#17
HertogJan	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms I LOLed

06-13-2009, 06:26 AM	#18
Razorback	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Yeah, Duke would look funny with a towel rapped around his head!

06-13-2009, 11:21 AM	#19
Waiter	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms LOL! I laughed, and I needed that. __________________ "As you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say." - George W. Bush "Adding "PERIOD" behind a sentence doesn't make you right. BASTA!" - Klaus Kinski "There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten." - Homer Simpson

06-13-2009, 09:33 PM	#20
ryche	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms LOL that is funny. Good work. __________________ {<- machines have no conscience ->} {<- “Shoot him!” They say, Who will be the killer? Who will be the winner? ->}

06-15-2009, 12:59 PM	#21
Jarongame	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Good joke..Good joke...I just hope that won't be true one day

06-15-2009, 01:16 PM	#23
DarkShadows	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Nice one, Off A Cough.

06-16-2009, 09:29 PM	#24
Babe	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms I funny to read this thread from Australia here. Whats more funny for me is to see even in jokes some Americans cant get over the fact that ACORN had little or perhaps no impact on the huge margin by which Obama won on that old dying man and still drags that name here and there. Anyway it would have been nice if Obama actually did something, but I guess George's track record of success and arrogance will most probably ensure he will stay out of it. Bet on Duke yes, bet on George ?! Nah .

06-17-2009, 05:55 PM	#26
Razorback	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Oh I see Babe's and Derfernets pro Obama comments are OK, but not my anti Obama comments. Just like the mainstream news. Duke would be ashamed of JS!

06-17-2009, 06:08 PM	#27
John	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Well isn't it obvious, Razorback? The news media, the entertainment business, the education system, most of history itself, and now the entire internet has a liberal bias. As we speak Obama's secret staff of hackers are working away to make sure of it. Very funny post, Off A Cough. Don't know if it was an original by you or just a generator where you insert the names and companies. __________________ Duke4.net Let not mankind bogart love. [A pessimist is what an optimist defines as a realist.] Last edited by John; 06-17-2009 at 06:11 PM.

06-17-2009, 06:18 PM	#28
Derfernet	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms edit: just forget this, I don't want to derail the thread again. Last edited by Derfernet; 06-17-2009 at 06:23 PM.

06-17-2009, 08:55 PM	#29
Wamplet	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms It's a game where both sides win. __________________ "IT'S HUGE!!!!" -chimera I think it's a 17"... or maybe it's a 19"..... it's huge... and bulky! but it has served me quite well -Mariamus "You're dying after Wamplet and Politics." -L'Bulgeur "By god... Wamp has a point." -Damien_Azreal

06-21-2009, 08:01 PM	#31
hammer oz	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms .................. __________________ [id shake your hand but i cant lies all lies

06-27-2009, 10:56 AM	#33
ManhattanProject	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Cool Story, Bro.

06-30-2009, 12:09 AM	#35
AdrianGuenter	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Feel free to PM me with what you really think, and I'll be sure not to give a dmn. I wasn't trying to be witty. PS - The credentials needed for determining where that line lays are: A dash of common sense * 1 Tbsp of taste * 1 cup of moderately intelligent humor (to taste) Mix well, bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees

06-30-2009, 01:37 AM	#36
ultimatemurder	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms I know how to save 3DR and DNF first we get some sick kid with a terminal disease who likes duke Then we go to make a wish foundation make the kid say 'I want 3DR to have the money to rehire its development team and finish Duke Nukem Forever. Hail to the king baby!" ok lets go get that Terminal Kid break

06-30-2009, 03:16 AM	#37
Monkey Butler	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS36ZuCW-7c

06-30-2009, 07:11 AM	#39
Monkey Butler	Re: Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms Ah come on, as if you haven't thought the exact same thing every once in a while. I mean, I don't even like the Chaser, but that was pretty well done I reckon.