the pointless (Duke Nukem Vs.) debate thread

[Syph]

Because he's Duke... He's the kinda guy who will take a bullet to the chest. Look at it, then back at you, take his cigar out of his mouth, blow the smoke in your face as he walks up to you casually, then putting out the cigar with his boot puts the gun to your head as you wet yourself, paralyzed with fear... And says "this is how it's done" as he pulls the trigger repeatedly, leaving little left to identify what was once your head.

See it's all in the attitude

[Draxus]

Maybe a tie.

[Krublokk]

Originally Posted by Syph

Because he's Duke... He's the kinda guy who will take a bullet to the chest. Look at it, then back at you, take his cigar out of his mouth, blow the smoke in your face as he walks up to you casually, then putting out the cigar with his boot puts the gun to your head as you wet yourself, paralyzed with fear... And says "this is how it's done" as he pulls the trigger repeatedly, leaving little left to identify what was once your head.

See it's all in the attitude

No amount of attitude will save you from the katana! Yesu!!! And Lo Wang seem to have a lot of interesting weapons and equipment, like the riotgun. Still, as of Zero Hour Duke got some serious fire power in the form of a good sniper rifle, the Gamma Cannon(I think that was it's name) and the Uber weapon BMF. If Duke could keep at a distance from Wang he COULD win, but dont underestimate The Ninja!

Hmm, I like both characters and they seem to have good skills each... I'd rather see them as friends than foes. Perhaps drinking buddies?
Duke: Here Wang try this, it'll knock your socks off!

[Kalki]

"Do an old guy a favor and those dentures always come back to bite you in the ass."

The geezer was wily, you had to give him that. Duke had pursued him all the way from Texas and now their little game had come down to the obligatory climactic boss-fight. He'd cornered Lo Wang around dusk, in Los Angeles. They were at a dockside trading zone with the Pacific Ocean on one side and several blocks of warehouses on the other. It wasn't a populated area, so collateral casualties would be at a minimum...

It took a helluva nerve to impersonate one of his employees and release those screenshots, thought Duke as he moved past a back alley dumpster behind a fisheries processing unit. As if the famed Duke Nukem's magnificence could be contained in a 200x125 pixel screenshot! He should have figured Georgey wouldn't dare make a move like that without his say-so, not for a job ad. Image was everything. And nobody messes with Duke's image... and lives! Only an assclown with a deathwish could have been behind the unauthorised publicity stunt and Duke had finally tracked this one down. The darkness was growing and the night smelled ripe for some action.

"COME GET SOME FLIED LICE YOU BALD, TATTOOED BASTARD!"

A gleeful giggle began to reverberate through the alleyway. Duke's blonde eyebrows contracted over his shades. Where is he?

"Talk to the Wang," the shadow warrior shouted back.

Rooftop. That @$$hole was on higher ground and he was on the move.

"Okay..." said Duke. "It's down to you and me you one-eyed freak!"

The reply he got was from no Wang. It was a feminine voice, one growing increasingly distant, as if in fast retreat. Duke broke into a run as soon he got the gist of the countdown.

"5 - 4 - 3 - "

Wang likes big guns too, thought Duke as his legs pounded pavement. I might stand a chance if I could just avoid the blast core.

" - 2 - 1 -"

The explosion was earthshattering. Lo Wang watched the fireball mushrooming like some orgasmic Mario fantasy before the shockwave hit him like a hurricane, knocking the Ninja master off his balance. Sprawled on his back, he began to laugh, "I like nuclear weapons. Just like Hiroshima!"

Sitting up, he marveled at the wanton destruction. Four square blocks of buildings had been levelled in the sub-kiloton blast. The warehouse he stood upon lay at the edge of a vast crater that exposed the gaping sewers below. Nothing could have survived that, not even -

"Nookum?"

As the massive column of dust and ash descended on itself, a muscular figure emerged to run up the sloping crater walls at an even sprint. He jumped over the wide tranches and shredded concrete, heading towards Lo Wang with practiced ease. They say crucibles forged from nuclear warheads made for a good obstacle course for the Ultimate Alien Ass Kicker.

What would it take to kill this man?

Looking down at his spent rocket launcher, Lo mused, "Ooh, must be American made!"

Not missing a beat, he cast the failed weapon aside and whipped out his railgun. Ignoring the distant police sirens, Lo sighted his running target in the railgun's scope and quipped, "Sayonara sucker!" - pulling the trigger.

Fired at near light speeds and capable of piercing anything, the only evidence of a railgun projectile is the instantaneous smoky contrail. Duke Nukem had a contrail spiralling right through his face. Exultant, Lo Wang guffawed, "You're blocking with your head again!"

His joy was shortlived. Impossible as it was, Duke was still moving. Lo Wang muttered a few chinese curse words under his breath. He simply couldn't believe his eyes! Duke walked right through the spiral contrail leaving it just as intact as his own head.

Duke grinned. For an old, washed-up, action hero, Wang pulled some pretty bold moves. Years ago, after the dismal performance of Shadow Warrior, 3D Realms had decided to retain the services of Lo Wang. His extensive martial arts experience made him an ideal placement on the ninja detail guarding 3D Realms HQ. His job was to protect its developers and the legendary game Duke was banking on to put him back on top, in an industry that was trying to forget him. But Lo Wang did the unforgivable by breaking the code of secrecy surrounding the game. Duke Nukem Forever was prematurely revealed to the public in the littlest screenshot possible. And the thing you had to know about Duke Nukem: he was never premature and he certainly wasn't little.

Releasing a bigger sized screenshot of a pigcop than of him was bad enough. However, when Wang used company bank accounts to hire strippers, that was the proverbial straw that broke the overlord's ass-

Sure, it was an ego-thing. For Duke, ego was everything. Yet as much as Lo Wang needed to die, Duke never underestimated how well armed his opponent was. Wang must have been prepared, his actions were obviously designed to bait Duke into this fight. The question was why. The holoduke had made Lo Wang expend the best part of his weaponry and reveal himself. Now was the time to find out, kick ass and chew bubblegum.

It was a few moments before Lo Wang could discern the deception. This was no man, merely an illusion. The running/climbing animation was too consistent, the figure too fleet of foot, the self-clipping had become noticeable and one could make out the vague flickering of a low refresh rate. The hologram emitter had to be nearby, in constant visual proximity. A sixth-sense made Lo turn around and look up.

There atop an old water tower, stood the real Duke Nukem...

(to be contd.)

[Kalki]

(contd. from previous post)

Furious, Lo Wang screams, "You are weak as a baby fart, go live in fear!!"

Duke says nothing. Flashing pearly white teeth, his devastator speaks for him, unleashing a barrage of rockets at Wang and his sitting arsenal. The first blast knocks Wang off his feet again, sending the railgun flying. The next dozen sends him scrambling frantically over to edge of the rooftop, where he leaps off. Lunging into the crater below, Lo Wang twists, turns and fires two shots from his shoulder strapped grenade launcher. They make contact with the water tower and explode, the tower crumpling under Duke's feet. Plunged into a spray of water and splintered wood, there is a roaring flash before Duke's jetpack brings him hurtling out towards the falling Lo Wang, Duke's devastator emptying its last shots at the sewer below. Their impact cracks the ground open, revealing an underground reservoir and the falling adversaries plunge headlong into the water.

Minutes later Duke climbs onto an embankment feeling pissed and wet. This sucks! Just then, a spray of gunfire spatters the stone wall near his right ear and he ducks. Looking around he spots Lo Wang diving out of sight, firing dual akimbo uzis. Duke blasts back with his single barrel shotgun. They exchange gunfire through sewer tunnels, neither putting more than shrapnel into the other.

Lo Wang hollers, "You have no honor, it is natural to die! Eeyuuh, stink like dead baboon in here."

Duke blows apart chunks of a concrete wall where a moment ago, Lo Wang's head had been. "I'm going to rip your head off and shit down your neck."

"You are so stupid! You cannot find ass with both hands!" Lo Wang countered, throwing shurikens that richochet of a wall and scratch Duke's jean clad thighs. Hurt, Duke grunts, to which Lo Wang giggles and shrieks, "Pain is for the weak!"

"What's your problem Wang? Why screw with my game?"

More crazy laughter.

"Ohhh, yess, everybody want your game. Why, it take forever to come out but they still wait. They work for you. Me, they call-a me a Dook-clone, say I talk same, only with funny accent. We stand side-uh to side-uh on East Meets West package. Still I make no success. They no make Shadow Warrior sequel. I'm bettah than you, my game bettah than you." Lo Wang pauses for a deep breath, by no means finished. "I be funny but they say it is offensive. Say I offend my own culture. Fools! Who they to protest me? My Master taught me well. He taught me our ways. My poor dead master... So it is Master Leep's honor I defend now..."

The f*cker's gone senile!

"Whoooooooooowantah some Wang? Hey you! Yes you! I am the Shadow Warrior! Lets fight," Wang taunts. "What you waiting for huh? I am everybody's worst nightmare. Now, let's fight!"

"That asian bastard is gonna pay for messing with my hype," Duke sneers!

Whipping out his trusty gold plated desert eagle, Duke grits his teeth and empties a clip of .50 cal bullets, circle-strafing Lo Wang's position.

But Wang is prepared. Screaming "COWABUNGA!!!" he flings something shiny at Duke - another shuriken that gouges itself into Duke's left arm. "Look! You have a new friend!" Duke examines the shuriken, only it's not. "Ho ho!" says Wang, "Sticky bomb like-a you!"

Duke tears the bomb from his arm, tendons and muscles ripping in agony as he flings it away a second before it explodes. Caught in the explosion, he is flung down into the shallow sewage, wounded.

Lo Wang walks around to his fallen opponent, smiling cruelly. "Ha ha, You no mess with Lo Wang!"

The old ninja suddenly freezes, aware of a red dot on his bare tattooed chest. Staring at an adjacent wall, Wang sees the laser trip mine Duke had planted there.

"A ninja knows no fear," he murmurs.

"Blow it out your ass!" Duke gasps.

The explosion rips the wall apart. Smoke and dust fill the air. Duke manages to get to his feet, looking for any sign of the cranky old bastard.

Then -

"BANZAI!!" Lo Wang leaps through the debris, arcs his sword wildly, nearly scalping Duke. His eyes stare madly, his face completely covered in his own blood.

"I like sword," he breathes, "it's a persona-" but Lo Wang doesn't finish the one-liner. A well-aimed quick kick from the blonde action hero catches the sword hilt and sends it flying.

"I'm gonna stick my boot so far up your ass, you'll be flossing with my shoelaces," bellows Duke.

Lo Wang hits back with a karate chop at Duke's oversized neck. Duke chokes for breath. Lo Wang punches him in the solar plexus, but Duke, coughing, grabs Wang's hand, twists it, breaking it at the wrist with a sickening crack!

"Your kung-fu is through!" whispers Duke.

Lo Wang screaming, lashes out at Duke's muscular frame with a flurry of punishing blows, bringing Nukem down to his knees.

"Howsa that for kung-fu fighting you chickena shit?" Wang retorts.

A kick from Lo Wang catches Duke in the jaw and he falls down, beaten. Lo Wang fetches his sword, bears down on Duke. He is intent on finishing him off. Wang grasps the katana pointing down at Duke, then poises himself for the final thrust. With one final mustering of his strength, Duke lashes out with his mighty foot, which impacts Wang's groin with an audible crunch. Duke fumbles at his belt. Wang's eyes are popping from the pain, he's hunched, his mouth open.

"Crouching tiger," Duke murmurs, leaning forward and shoving his hand down Lo Wang's black fighting pants. Then planting both feet at his chest Duke kicks away, sending Wang sprawling. "Hidden pipebomb," he finishes, plunging his thumb down on the detonator trigger.

Lo Wang is blown to bits in a shower of blood and water.

Duke sits up, bleeding and exhausted.

Searching his pockets, the only things he finds left are a wet cigar and matches. Duke lights up, takes a deep puff and blows smoke up through the steam and dripping water.

"Oh yeah," he says, speaking to no one in particular. "Mine's bigger!"

(The End)

[Telee]

Haha, awesome

[Dopefish7590]

hahaha

[Hellbound]

Duke was cheating! Nobody shoulda kick Ninja's groin

[Valherran]

LAWL...hahaha...woooo that was funny, Duke Cheated...

[Syph]

Well put Kalki

[ZuljinRaynor]

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

[DavoX]

"Lo Wang is blown to bits in a shower of blood and water.

Duke sits up, bleeding and exhausted. "

That's all I read. I knew it would end like this. LONG LIVE THE DUKE!

[Valherran]

As you post that he bleeds to death...TIE!

[gt1750]

That story's great, Kalki. A short comics or a flash animation would be nice

[Telee]

Originally Posted by Valherran

As you post that he bleeds to death...TIE!

Well, he wasn't even shot once so I doubt he'd bleed to death Just a lot of cuts from shurikens.

[DavoX]

Look's like valherran really likes Lo Wang's wang

[ZuljinRaynor]

I'm appalled by everyone who said Wang wins.

[Dr. Kill]

Duke would win. He's DUKE for christ sake! You'd have a closer match between Duke and Tommy from Prey, imho

[Valherran]

Originally Posted by DavoX

Look's like valherran really likes Lo Wang's wang

Sick bastard...

[Valherran]

Hey all, me being bored again! New debate here, what you all think, Duke Nukem Vs Gordon Freeman! (in this debate both Duke and Gordon have ALL their weapons in this match!) Post away everyone!

(P.S. if the MODs want me to stop making these debates i will, but i just wanted to spice up these threads with something to do!)

[Commando Nukem]

Two guys who've fought alien invasions.... Again. What is the premise? Why would they fight?

[Telee]

Duke Nukem, obviously.

Duke can kick ass even without weapons - something Gordon can't do (and he showed it in HL2, when he got his ass kicked by a gang of combine).

[Commando Nukem]

Originally Posted by Telee

Duke Nukem, obviously.

Duke can kick ass even without weapons - something Gordon can't do (and he showed it in HL2, when he got his ass kicked by a gang of combine).

Better example would be in HL1 when the marines ambush him and beat the Hell out of him.

[Steve]

Gordon would die a silent death

[Valherran]

keep em comin keep em comin...

[gt1750]

Gordon will win by silently sneaking behind Duke and throwing a bunch of snarks into his pants.

[Sang]

Duke, of course

[DavoX]

Duke.

[Valherran]

Wow all of you guys say DUke will win, even though he is outgunned?

[Bonesnapper]

...Outgunned, are you serious? Duke Nukem has a shrinkray for christ sakes.

[Mr.Fibbles]

Duke; Gordon has that stupid suit that he depends on. Duke has the more powerful guns; I mean what does Gordon have besides the gravity gun that even has a chance against Duke?

[DavoX]

Valherran, if you don't like duke, then why are you posting here?

[Valherran]

I never said i didnt like Duke.

As for the Shrink Ray, some of you seem thats an instant win for Duke, try this, shrink ray against laser cannon.

[Bonesnapper]

Originally Posted by Valherran

I never said i didnt like Duke.

As for the Shrink Ray, some of you seem thats an instant win for Duke, try this, shrink ray against laser cannon.

Try this:
BMF Thunderstrike vs Anything else.

[Commando Nukem]

Originally Posted by Valherran

I never said i didnt like Duke.

As for the Shrink Ray, some of you seem thats an instant win for Duke, try this, shrink ray against laser cannon.

What laser cannon? Gordan doesn't have a damn thing that kills in one hit. Save the rocket launcher. But Duke has one thats ten times better. Shrink Ray IS an instant win. It takes one hit, and it doesn't have to be a precise hit.

[Syph]

Gordon has no chance. I think that was what made HL fun to play though. Gives you a greater feeling of accomplishment playing as an average guy. That's why Duke has tougher enemies, he needs a challenge

[Telee]

Originally Posted by Commando Nukem

What laser cannon?

I think it's called the egon gun.

Try this:
BMF Thunderstrike vs Anything else.

The only person who might be able to stand up to that is the Doom Marine, with his BFG. And possibly Lo Wang's nuke.

[Valherran]

Dont forget Captain Parker from C&C Renegade! Or Patrick Galloway, or maybe Caleb!

[Hellbound]

Yeah, I think that Caleb would win... he has the powerful Napalm launcher and tesla cannon. And compare flare pistol to duke's pistol or his shotgun (secondary mode ) to duke's shotgun. Devastator? I think that Lifeleech doesn't give a shit

And then he would just say "oooch, shake it baby!" I love that reference in B1

[Sang]

woot - Nerd discussion

I think it's called the egon gun.

The egon gun range is shitty.

Also the Shrinker Ray is not instant hit so it would really take quite a bit of luck to hit Gordon Freeman with it..